Picnik Tables.

Eh.
That's pretty much my life right now. Just... Eh.
I've been writing, a ton. Don't worry, my stories and poems are SO much better than my blog.
Mostly for the reason that my blog is about my life, and my life is boring.
The most exciting parts of my life is when it's following someone else's.
Reading books, watching tv shows... Those are some of the most interesting parts right now.
Mostly I'm just lonely.
Usually it's just me with my computer, my pencils, and my books... That's all I really have, when I'm not home.
When I am home, I get to see my friends, and hang out with my mum. But somehow.. It's still. Lonely.
I miss my brothers. I miss my dad...  But at the same time, I don't.
I don't miss.. This version of my dad. I miss my old dad.
The dad that would take me off to just go hang out, just the two of us.
We never did anything important, just.. Small things.
One of our favorite things to do was to go to the nice walk around park, with the giant pond lake thing in the middle, and we would bring our old bread. Or we'd buy some really cheap bread at the store.
And we'd feed the ducks.
When I was little, I was so scared of them. I always put on a brave front, pretending I wasn't, but when they realized I had food, they would all start coming at me and honking at me! There were geese too, not just ducks. And then I would get frightened, and jump up onto one of the picnic tables.
From up there, I could... Be safe. Feed them from a distance, and from up there... I could see them so much clearer.
I saw the bullies, the ones that wouldn't let the others eat anything, and used their size for dominance.
I hated those.
Then there were the timid ones around the edge, they were always too scared to come in close because the bigger ones would hurt them.
Then.. There was always ONE. One that would always be my favorite. One that would come RIGHT under the picnic table, where none of the others were, and just wait for me to poke the pieces of bread through the slots in the wiring of the table.
So smart, so sly little goose!
Now... I can't help but wonder.
Where's my picnic table?
Where do I go to see things clearer? To not get hurt? To understand what's going on with all the things around me?
Where do I go where it's safe... And I can figure things out.
But worse of all, what if what I see isn't what I want to?
What if I realize that I am treating dad wrong...
What if I see my worst fears confirmed..
That it is my fault.
The things I saw, and didn't tell anyone else about.
My brain is blocking them out, but subtle, subtle memories come in, every now and then..
I can't place them correctly on the time line, but I am almost POSITIVE... That I do know when they were.
And that just tells me how much I've let everyone else down...
And how much I've let myself down by doing so.

~The Moneky